Breakfast · $ · Providence, RI
Three Sisters
The most dense object known to man is a black hole. A close second was the burrito from this place.
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Three Sisters was located seven hopscotches away from a park filled with smiling children. While the density of water is 997 kg/m³, the density of our meat burritos was comparable to the Kardashian sisters.
Three Sisters was located seven hopscotches away from a park filled with smiling children. Unfortunately, Monsieur was sporting a mustache, so he wasn't able to get within 200 feet of the swing sets. Meanwhile, no one wanted to compete with the Connoisseur on the seesaw for reasons we don't need to address. A fountain sat directly adjacent to the park, but to our dismay it didn't have the necessary water levels for us to drown ourselves. While the density of water is 997 kg/m³, the density of our meat burritos was comparable to the Kardashian sisters. The building itself had windows clear enough for us to look through and see the bustling city outside. Did you know that Sex and the City was based out of Providence? Me neither.
What can we say? Do the carpets match the drapes? Not in this place. Perhaps they got their inspiration from Macklemore's top seller "Thrift Shop," because from our untrained eyes, that's what they were going for. As for the wait staff, they could best be described as a rock and roll band that truly had no chance of ever making it, but they still believed they could. Give up little ones, find a new passion. Dirty tables just won't cut it in this league.
Well, it was SUPPOSED to be an APPLE LOAF. I'm not sure where they get away with corruption on par with the Salem Witch Trials. I mean, come on, Three Sisters. You'd think one of them got grandma's secret recipe. How much cinnamon does it take to give the Connoisseur high blood pressure? Exactly the truckload that Three Sisters put on this slice of disappointment. The only thing that didn't put us down in the dumps was the smoothie. That was tasty, demanding respect that all women and the three sisters deserve. I'm still neck deep in a bucket of water bobbing for the apples that eluded me like Jason Bourne. The home fries were delicious, and trust me, we were surprised too.
Breakfast, the universal meal of smiles, which is known by all as a meal that does not take much culinary skill to master. Although, not even the combined minds of these three sisters could figure it out. 86 years ago today, the first great dust storm of the 1930s occurred in North Dakota, and similarly to today, it was a true disaster. My only question: were they trying to kill us? We were attacked by our own natural disaster today, a breakfast meat avalanche. Brutal. Now listen here, I enjoy a breakfast sandwich stuffed to the brim, but this was just too much. And to think I had high expectations for this place? THIS PLACE? This breakfast was far from the meal of smiles, more like the meal of tummy aches.
I didn't see one sister in the store, let alone three. Kind of surprising considering it would probably take three sisters to lift the burrito and bring it to my table. This was easily the most dense meal I've ever had. Every bite, a battle. The apple loaf, TKO. The smoothie, victory by unanimous decision. The burrito... Oh, God, the burrito. The most dense object known to man is a black hole; a close second was the burrito from this place. It was David versus Goliath and for the first time ever David lost. You may ask yourself who is the burrito in this Sunday journey? I'll tell you, it was neither. That thing is not of this Earth. Never has a food had the omnipotent abilities to cripple the Connoisseur's body to the point of defeat and misery like the Three Sisters burrito has.
We went to Three Sisters despite the fact that the Connoisseur and I only have two sisters combined between us. As I examined the menu on the chalkboard, I felt like a Vietnam veteran seeing the Harlem Shake for the first time, or any time for that matter: utterly confused. In fact, my confusion surmounted to such a level that I ordered some kind of meat concoction in a wheat wrap. If my cholesterol levels were remotely in question before this meal, then I would surely call my mom and schedule an appointment with my pediatrician for a full body physical. The fact that I'm not dead from a heart attack and actually able to review this meal is nothing short of a Christmas miracle that could heal our previous little Tiny Tim. It's hard to knock the restaurant for this meal because I literally chose to order it, and then I just let it happen to me. Oh boy.
Diminishing Marginal Returns.
Final Score — Sponsored by You
"Somehow this place racked up a score of 2.31 Borgos, which is basically like getting robbed by Ocean's 11."