American · $$ · Providence, RI
The District
A quaint house, a nightmare parking lot, and a plate of fish and chips that caressed the tongue.
Photo coming soon
The parking lot was one of the worst we've seen — a parking lot architect's worst nightmare. The restaurant, thankfully, was a different story.
Today the food critics will explore the taste craze surrounding Providence's "The District." Located only a seven second flight away from downtown Providence, and a stone's throw from Brown's School of Professional Studies. This restaurant looked like a two story home from the outside. A quaint house, we might add. The parking lot was one of the worst we've seen, a parking lot architect's worst nightmare. The restaurant was also bordered by several competitors, exemplifying the true values of capitalism. The location score with all of these factors included is a 5.7.
Have you seen the meticulous beating of the most average heartbeat you've ever seen? Well, that's basically the wait staff. Nothing remotely wrong with it, but no passion, no love, no attempt to connect with the customer. Not even a simple: "Who do you like right now?" To which the customer would likely respond, "No one right now. What about you?" The music was certainly present, but entirely miscalculated. In terms of the crowd, it was the right church, but when it came down to the television screens it was the wrong pew. They were presenting bull riding. Damn. Overall our score for this category: 6.8.
We ordered the buffalo wings and truffle tots. About fifteen minutes later the waitress delivered them to us. We ate them, as one naturally would, and enjoyed them immensely. This was the peak of our meal, the optimal part of our experience. The Connoisseur finished off both dishes. Is anyone surprised? The final wing was more burnt than Ed Sheeran after falling asleep for 7 hours at the equator. The final tot, however, slid down the Connoisseur's gullet like a six year old on a McDonald's play pen slide.
As the summer leaves turn from green to golden brown, we are all in search of something warm and delicious to fill our bellies. As the food first touched down on my landing spot at our decently sized mahogany table, I was pleasantly surprised with my first glance. I would not compare this glance to that of seeing the person you love most in this world, but rather an old friend you haven't seen in a long while. Mmm. My initial bite was what some would call underwhelming, but the meal grew on me like a fine wine. Leaving me with an enjoyable Sunday supper, allowing my tastebuds to depart this long week on a high note. Until next Sunday, I am one satisfied customer. I got the fish and chips.
The plate was small but packed a lot of fish, followed by some chips, followed by a subpar amount of coleslaw. I never dreamt of enjoying a bull riding match, but it created a seamless transition between courses. That leads me to my meal as the fish stayed together just long enough to caress my tongue and flake apart in my jaw. The fries delivered on their end of the bargain; however, somewhere along the road my enjoyment stalled as the strange man at the bar gazed and eventually passed by far closer than one would care to admit as I stuffed my face. The food fed my body which in turn brightened my soul, thank god because the waitress wasn't giving me any light on this Sunday night.
Shrimp scampi? More like fine and dandy. Twirling the spaghetti on my fork like a young beauty pageant contestant, I slowly placed the food on my tongue. My first taste was one full of white wine and garlic broth followed by the snap, crackle and pop of a medium sized shrimp. My mind was full but my thoughts were clear: this ACTUALLY tastes pretty good. Unfortunately, on multiple occasions my broth splashed into my drink as I raised my fork to my smiling mouth. I ordered water, not clear liquid with a dash of broth. If held at gunpoint, I would consume this meal again. Even if no violence was involved I would still eat it.
Good but so-so.
Final Score — Sponsored by You
"Out of a potential 3 Borgos, the bill ended up being fairly priced at 1.9 Borgos. Pricier than Applebee's, but less so than a vacation to the Swiss Alps."